Lately, I have begun to receive plenty of emails about in laws (particularly mothers and sisters in law) who the writer perceives is “trying to ruin my marriage” or “attempting to drive a wedge between my partner and myself.” Often, the author (which is generally a woman) will tell me that the mother in law never liked her, hasn’t accepted her, and will never pass up any chance to cause trouble or to produce the husband chose sides to stir up any issue that is going to create tension and drama.
This is a challenging situation. Your husband didn’t choose his parents, like it or not, he is stuck with them. I mean, you can certainly divorce your partner and not be legally tied to them anymore, but your immediate family (and especially the girl who had you) is yours forever. Add that to the fact that many moms will cling onto their adult sons as though he’s as accountable to her as her own husband and there is most definitely a recipe for conflict there. I will offer tips and advice on how to best handle this at the next article.
It’s hard to put yourself in someone else’s shoes when you are being attacked. However, it’s so important to remember that your husband is the one who’s caught in the middle. His mother will probably see any breaking away on his role as a betrayal. That is not to say he does not have a responsibility to you – he does – and I will discuss that more below. But, you need to do your part as well. Prior to making any requests of him, consider how you’d want him to react if the roles were reversed. Wouldn’t you need for him to try to let this roll off his back as opposed to becoming angry with you and demanding that you place your own mother in her place?
Recognizing What The Mother In Law is actually Trying To Accomplish ( Not Letting Her Get It:-RRB- If you’re right in your assumptions that your mother in law wants to break up your marriage, then what better way to fight fire with fire by ensuring that she doesn’t get her wish? Don’t play directly into her hand. What she really doesn’t want if for one to do your business completely happy and unaffected by her matches. So, this is precisely what you would like to happen, obviously. Your best defense against her is a happy husband who is oblivious to all this drama. If he’s happy at home, then he isn’t likely to obey her criticisms or even to pay attention. Melbourne dead animal removal is your objective.
Thus, remain lighthearted when she’s flinging her barbs. Act as though she is literally joking. You need to let her know that you really are laughing her off and that her efforts to hurt you’re not just missing the mark, but are giving you something to be amused by. My aunt used to tell me to “kill with kindness.” This is great advice in this circumstance. The meaner she receives, the more you should smile. This will annoy her more than anything. If you get angry and have a negative reaction, then she’s won that hand. But if you smile and then dismiss her, then this is going to make her very disappointed. And, if you keep up this game long enough, she simply eventually might quit playing.
Creating A United Front With Compromise: Up until now, I have been asking you to do all the giving, but it’s not asking too much to ask your husband to set some boundaries also. This does not mean that you should ever ask him to estrange himself from his mother. But, it is not unreasonable to ask him to put some limitations. You are a family too now and you might choose to spend some holidays alone or with your family. You may not want to have Sunday dinner at her home every week. There is a happy medium in all of these situations. It’s not fair to ask him to make extreme changes but there is nothing wrong with cutting back.
Understand what your very best case scenario is. I’m betting that you want for your family to be a priority and to be joyful. And, you probably want your husband to be happy with no unnecessary stress regarding their family. In truth, you can not control how your mom in law or your in laws behave or what they demand from him. But, what you can control is your response to it. You can command your own immediate family. Thus, try to keep him happy as home as you can and limit your negative contact with the in-laws as much as you feasibly can by placing limits.
At the end of the day, you need to bear in mind that it is your job to safeguard your own happiness and well being. Don’t let her (or them) get to you and affect your happiness. They wish to whittle away at your loved ones? Make sure they know that your family is so strong and deeply connected that they are simply wasting their time. Respect your husband can’t chose or force his family to act. You can not control others. Nevertheless, you can control yourself and your reactions to them. Always make sure that these responses are in the best interest of your household, not theirs.
Unfortunately for me, I played right into my mom in law enforcement. I allowed her to make me mad and to take this out on my husband. This way, she got exactly what she wanted and it put lots of stress on the union until we finally separated. We eventually worked things out, but it was much more work (and considerably more painful) than it should have been.